psychology | ANSHAM FOR ME

UNCLASSIFIED FEELINGS OF BLUES

May 5, 2017

There is always some madness in love.

But there is also always some reason in madness.
(Friedrich Nietzsche)

I have been losing myself over and over again every time I wake up. I won’t even try and explain my absence and lack of motivation to write. I cannot write a single line if I cannot look at myself in the mirror and be honest with the story I am proposing to tell. That no longer applies to this moment.

The nakedness of my thoughts shall be as revealing as it will be unabashedly confusing and contradictory even as I attempt to put it into words. No more canvas to paint a nice picture. There will not be, however, spaces for the convalescence of the mind; the mental healing process unfolds unadulterated without granting room for self-pity, guilt, regret or revenge.

My mind has been a vortex of conflicting thoughts that pull me towards opposing directions in a constant flow of a sculptured synergy that creates and destroys itself at every second. It is like being on the edge of an abyss and facing the impending moment when your body is being pulled by forces beyond your control.

People from my past materializes in cyberspace (I know, it sounds so 90’s) as reintegrated ghosts that carry little resemblance to what they have once been; and I do not know how to respond. I carry inside of me the very seed that will cause my demise – like a self-replicating system that recreates its own version completely different from the ones that came before. I feel like sound bytes assembling and disassembling the essence and the identities of who I am not and who I will never be. I need a new language to communicate the state of entropy that manifests differently in the organism that seems to be who I really am.

‘Images of wartime’, The Menin Road by Paul Nash

Everything and everyone folds and unfolds and reshapes in multiple forms before my eyes. I have no identity to speak for. everything is revisited, reshaped, replaced, upgraded and put to rest as soon as a new cycle begins.

I had a vivid vision of bodies interlocked after electromagnetic sexual impulses prompted them to look for a connection impossible to be reached. All of them in search of a seemingly misleading sense of belonging and validation. It is pure dead madness! Like Paolo and Francesca (in Dante’s second circle of hell) forever doomed to be swept away in the air in their eternal lustful embrace.

I read once this quote by Colombian writer Gabriel García Márquez that said: “sex is the consolation you have when you can’t have love”. As much as I feel perplexed contemplating this thought, I cant shake off the disturbing fact that there is indeed some truth to it. Real love goes beyond our own self-created needs and selfish impulses. Sex, on the other hand, is a basic instinct for self-preservation, dominance and power – an intrinsic part of our own evolution as a species – even though we seem to be stuck in the illusion fabricated in our world to keep us all hooked as junkies in need of a never-ending and immediate fix. ‘Sex, Drugs and Rock-and-roll‘ never seemed so ghastly.

“I searched for God and found only myself.

I searched for myself and found only God”. (Sufi Proverb)

We are all searching for answers. There are no formulas, or miracle pills. The truth is facing right back at us. We see it, but like in a hall of mirrors, we get lost with the illusion of the projections we make. At any moment in time, we can find the way out.

“Be kind to your sleeping heart. Take it out into the vast fields of light…

And let it breathe.

I wish I could show you the astonishing light of your own being.”

HAFIZ

A GLIMPSE OF SPRING IN THE FALL

November 9, 2015

COLLAGE

It is our choice to see the good in the world and in people. It is our choice to let the world see the good in us.

Every day we wake up, we are faced with many challenges. From simple pleasures like indulging a few more minutes in your bed on a rainy Monday, when you know you can’t because you need to get up for work, to the more complex challenges that we will encounter throughout the day. We will deal with complaints, bad mood from the people around you, or the inescapable reality of the social problems that the world presents us at every corner.

No matter where we live, or where we are in life, we will deal with negativity. It is my belief, however, that we actually have the power to control how any experience will affect us. When we are aware of our feelings and emotions we can choose the positive elements that make us feel better in order to fight the negativity that tries to creep into our lives when we are not fully present in the moment. We are made of energy, and as such, we operate under similar conditions as far as external stimuli trigger thoughts that generate emotions flowing in different directions, much like an Alternative Current (AC) does with a stream of charges that reverses direction. It is a perfect system. As we become mindful of our breathing, and we get in touch with our Higher Selves, we are able to navigate the polarity between negative and positive responses with clarity and balance. It is this complex electrical structure that makes us part of the universe.

Any conflict we experience in life derives from our resistance to accept what is. When we accept we are flowing in harmony with creation itself. There is absolutely nothing wrong with who we are.

We are naturally predisposed to seek joy and fulfillment, and sometimes the way to happiness goes through some degree of pain. When we change, a part of ourselves that longer serves us dies and we no longer have the need to hide or suppress our true selves. The moment we need to suppress who we are, we are saying no to the life force within us. It requires the courage of a hero to stand our ground and walk our path. It is a long journey, but one that needs to be undertaken if we ever want to live a happy, fulfilled life.

There is so much beauty in this world that we should not have to look harder in order to choose a positive stance. It is our choice to be happy and kind. It is our choice to be compassionate and understanding. It is our choice to be brave. We have to become our own wizards or love warlocks, and like an alchemist of love, transform every seemingly negative experience into the possibility of a life-changing opportunity. As a love warlock, or the legendary Merlin of our own lives, we make magic through the alchemy of our emotions. It is through the transmutation of our fears into love that we can see the world with clear eyes. What separates us from each other is fear. What separates us from an experience is fear. Fear is the reason behind all negativity and disorder.

When we are operating from the perspective of love we can notice the smile of a child when we are waiting in line somewhere. We can see the pain and suffering in someone’s eyes, when they are responding with anger. We can see the wet leaves on a tree, glistening on a rainy day. We can look around, smile and see that we are all one and the same. And we can breathe and be grateful that we are part of it all, and that our actions make a difference if only we take the first step and choose love instead of fear.

I get my life lessons from everyone and everything. We are mirrors reflecting each other. We receive from each other to the proportion that we give back. The challenge is when what we receive is not positive. Then we have to summon our love warlock powers from within so we can transmute the energy. When we do that, we strengthen ourselves and we change. The dynamic of every situation also changes in the process because we are no longer resisting and reacting with fear. We now made a conscious choice to act with love. We are acting instead of reacting.

On an epic night in my life, an alchemist of love touched my soul. The sun set in one part of the world when the other was already dark. The mysteries of the universe were revealed and we whirled away past billions of galaxies where we met in the interstices of time and space, where nobody had gone before, and we became one with each other in a blissful dance of true love. Never will I be the same. Never will he be the same. We reside within each other’s hearts where we found our home. We tasted the absolute nectar of infinity’s bliss, and we arrived home.

There is a love that transcends barriers. There is a love that overrides words. It is a love so calm and so pure that only the heart can understand. It is the kind of love that sets free and still loves even more. It renews the cells in our bodies like a potent collagen, transforming us, healing us. It is the kind of love that makes us give the best part of ourselves no matter what. We become a better version of ourselves, our true selves.

We can go outside in the world and see that it’s huge and complex but we can also choose to see it as a global city where we all live together as part of creation. We feel so isolated sometimes, so distant and preoccupied with our lives that we forget that we are not alone here. We do have each other. We are no longer countries, and cities and provinces and neighborhoods, but one large community. We belong to the earth, and this planet connects us like a mother brings their children together with acts of love and kindness. Somehow, somewhere we meet, and magic happens.

It is our choice to choose to be happy. It is our choice to choose to respond with love. It is our choice to make this world a better place, and see glimpses of Spring even in the Fall. This is love.

❦ ❦ ❦

THE WIZARD OF LOVE

❦

It is the name of love

That calls me to infinity;

It is the name of love

That makes me surrender.

I listen.

I dance.

I smile.

And I am completely free.

And so is the wizard beside me.

❦ ❦ ❦

EVERY MOMENT OF LIFE IS A MOMENT TO SAY GOODBYE

August 12, 2015

In a way or another we are constantly dealing with the experience of death in some form. Life is made up by a succession of experiences that are moving through us all the time. In one moment we are delighting ourselves while eating a delicious dessert and the next moment we might be working at our desks on an important project. We rarely pay attention to the changes at every second of our lives unless something major makes us stop and notice that something is indeed taking place – or not.

Chances are that the only times we indeed take notice of the changes in our lives are in those moments when those changes are bringing some sort of negative experience or discomfort. However, every moment is flowing into another moment in an incessant flow of minuscule changes. One moment is never the same as the one which preceded it, while at the same time every moment is always a repetition of a previous model already set in motion before.

All we really have is the present moment, and even the concept of the present moment is an abstraction that ceases to be valid the moment we think of it because it is no longer there. Whether time is an illusion or not, fundamental or not, is all part of a debate that is yet to find a conclusion due to the limitations of our understanding of time-space as being relative or something fundamental from a total quantum mechanics perspective.

Are we predetermined to repeat models in eternal succession, or are we able to act as agents of our own stories co-creating our futures and manipulating realities at will? All in all, one can unquestionably argue that human perception is subjective and the physical reality we experience is relative to the individuality of one’s understanding and interpretation of any given event.

The flow of time is an illusion and it takes place in our understanding of events from the perspective of an objective and temporal phenomenon applied to the atemporal manifestation of the universe. The truth of the matter is that it is a puzzle that have entertained scientists, philosophers and laymen alike for centuries.

In relativity, reality is all part of a compact mass where past, present and future already exist in a static structure that seems doomed to repeat itself in a deterministic fashion. In quantum mechanics the probabilities are varied and the angle of perception of the observer and the implications result in parallel universes being combined, recreated and experienced all the time. It is within this field that we may question reality according through the perceptions experienced by each individual.

Each person experiences reality differently. This fact alone brings us to the concept of moral relativism and the resulting discussion that nobody is objectively right or wrong and therefore all perceptions or perspectives need to be taken into account when we try to understand any phenomenon we are conscious of.

Can we really tell we are experiencing anything at all while we are in the process of living through an event of some sort? Scientists agree that time actually exists; what does not exist is the flow of time as an active entity permeating the universe. In a four dimensional universe, time is only another component that intersects with, let’s say, length, height or breadth, thus generating a continuum that meshes them together and creates multiple and malleable realities within any given energetic field.

In order for us to consider the concept of time we need the presence of an observer and an object in relation to the velocity one passes from the other. So, the perception and duration of time is relative in relation to the other three dimensions active during the phenomenon observed. as we contemplate this, we cannot fail to realize that all understanding and interpretation of reality is relative to the one observing and therefore never objective. It is interesting to note how cosmology and mathematical laws are pointing to similar conclusions found in spiritual traditions. If my interpretation and understanding is always relative to my own experience of reality through my senses, how can I be completely right if someone else is also interpreting the same reality according through their own subjective perceptions of that same reality? We are both right in our interpretations because the probabilities are manifold and only together they can be whole.

In a way, from a simplistic viewpoint, we are constantly saying goodbye to things, situations, people, places etc, at every moment. Because time is never linear but cyclical, the concept of the “eternal recurrence” proposes that there is a strong probability that life can repeat itself ad infinitum. Since every configuration of atoms and events are also possible to occur, the probability of life occurring differently in its repetition of combinations is also suggested here.

In this sense, the acceptance proposed in Buddhist philosophy agrees with Nietzsche’s concept of “amor fati” – or “love of one’s fate”. It is the premise that reality cannot be argued, disputed or refused, but instead it is what it is and one can only accept without judgement. It does not mean we should not strive to change circumstances, but it says that being in opposition with reality will not change the components that brought the facts together as an intrinsic and necessary aspect of that reality.

As we meet time and space in a manifold conceptualization of the universe, we may come to realize that all events are combined into past, present and future altogether. Through this perspective, today, August 12th – exactly 2045 years ago -Cleaopatra commits suicide. We might as well meet at the point where that event took place and observe, through our perspective, that day in history, and wonder how many Cleopatras are repeating the same historical act today.

I JUST CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE, OR BE YOURSELF, DAMN IT!

Ansham For Me

2 comments

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Ansham For Me

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Ansham For Me

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Ansham For Me

4 comments

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Ansham For Me

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Ansham For Me

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The kid was running up and down the street bouncing the ball on the pavement unaware of any worries. Innocence in its blissful state and a total presence of mind in the moment. We all have moments like these from our childhood. Somehow, at some point, something snaps and trauma sets in. The wounded part of ourselves …